The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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