When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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