Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
