just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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