Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
