My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
