i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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