apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
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Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
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I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this