Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
