Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
