She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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