yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize