i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
