chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Randomize
