i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
