he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
