I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize