I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
