If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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