I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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