You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
