You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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