what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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