Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I pour the whiskey from now on
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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