you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
