you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
In other news, I just burned my penis
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
