Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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