I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
