eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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