My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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