I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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