No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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