I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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