I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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