WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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