Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
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Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
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You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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