You just made me feel so damn special
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
