I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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