She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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