I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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