I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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