Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
