Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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