Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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