i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
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