She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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