omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
