is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
