paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
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