also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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