look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
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Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
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I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
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