So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
