Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
