I will die if light touches me.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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