I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
