I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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