Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
